The Man, The Myth & The Funeral Director: 5 Misconceptions

Article via

Let’s face it. Most jobs have their fair share of over-generalizations and stereotypes. All cops love their doughnuts. Firefighters spend their time responding to calls about a cat in a tree—that is, when they aren’t busy cooking chili. I’m sure we’ve all heard a few lawyer jokes, too.

Most jobs are portrayed through stereotypes so often, it becomes second-nature to think about them that way (no matter how inaccurate those stereotypes might be).

What about funeral directors? Let’s take a look at some common misconceptions about the profession.

1. Funeral directors = depressing Grim Reapers

Let’s start off with the most common misconception: Anyone willing to make a career revolving around death is morbidly obsessed with the dead right?
This is as unfair as accusing all police offers of pastry addiction. It has more to do with how we as a society, especially in America, view death. It is something of a taboo, and so it’s reflected in our ideas about funeral directors. Those who work with the dead get sucked into that mindset. That’s how we get that grim reaper image—that black suited, clammy handed, pale-man perception. Of course, this just isn’t true.

Funeral Directors are as normal as the rest of us, with perhaps a slightly grislier job than most. Their work is more noble than we tend to recognize. Their primary focus is on the family and helping them through one of the toughest points in their lives. They are caring and compassionate people.

2. Don’t they spend their day just surrounded by bodies?

Does a firefighter spend all his time just putting out fires? As mentioned, funeral directors focus first and foremost on the families they serve. They do everything in their power to provide some degree of comfort and peace as these families mourn their loved ones. Funeral directors also spend a great deal of their time in their communities, serving as trusted leaders and resources. Otherwise, they might spend some time on the same tedious tasks as everyone else: preparation, planning, and paperwork—and even less time still in hospitals, cemeteries, and morgues.

3. It’s all about the money

Most jobs share one universal trait: they allow someone to earn a living. If a sizable income was your goal, there are many other career paths that would be much less demanding. This isn’t a 9-5 gig. A death can occur at any time. This includes weekends and holidays. There is little flexibility for a funeral director on call. They have to drop everything to respond to a call, day or night. The work of a funeral director can be rewarding, but it can also be emotionally taxing and exhausting.

4. The profession is a boy’s club

In the past, many family-owned funeral homes would pass the business from father to son. Lately, however, there has been a surge of women entering the profession. The American Board of Funeral Service Education (ABSFE) reported that in 2015, 56 % of graduates from accredited programs were female. Two generations ago, the estimate was zero percent. As these women make their way into the industry, they can help shatter the perceptions of a once male-dominated industry.

5. Funeral directing is a recent thing

While a modern funeral might not resemble funerals of the past, death is nothing new. Humans have pretty much always practiced ceremonies to mourn their loved ones. Somebody has always been needed to help orchestrate such ceremonies. The job might not have looked the same 1,000 years ago, and it likely won’t look the same 1,000 years from now, but the job has always been (and will always be) profoundly meaningful and important.

It’s easy for people to fall into the trap and make unfair generalizations about funeral directors, but hopefully a little education and good information can aid in combatting these unfair stereotypes. The very nature of funeral directing—to help guide and assist families in a great time of need—is an inherently human thing. Funeral directors are emotionally invested and passionate about their profession.

Dead and Alive Project with Klaus Bo

Greenland 

In Upernavik, the soil is too hard to bury the dead. Instead, they are laid to rest in concrete and stone-covered coffins above ground. Often, these coffins face the ocean, so that dead sealers can watch the place they once worked. via

Photographer, Klaus Bo, has set forth a project documenting the different cultural experiences surrounding death. The project is called “Dead and Alive Project.”

“In some places – like Denmark – death is taboo, in other places death and the deceased are natural parts of the life of the living. The background for this project is the desire to show how death rituals often reflect life. With its selection of different death and burial rituals, visitors to the final exhibition will gain insight into how much any given culture’s values, hopes and dreams are reflected in their thoughts about death and life after death, and how differently we treat our dead from culture to culture.”

Klaus has travelled far and wide to document different death traditions. Below are just a few of the photos that will be featured in the April issue of National Geographic with small insights to their stories:

Ghana

Church members carry Nene Nomo’s body to his grave. His coffin pays homage to his profession, chicken farming. via

Nepal

Ramri Tamang’s body is cremated on the outskirts of the village, surrounded by family members. According to their Buddhist beliefs, it is important to destroy the body so that the spirit cannot return to it. via

India

Bodies are cremated at Manikarnika Ghat, Varanasi’s main cremation grounds. More than 150 bodies are cremated there every day, and its frequent use has caused deforestation in the area. via

Madagascar

Family members dance with and celebrate their ancestor during a Famadihana. via

Haiti

Women in Port-au-Prince chant to lure the spirit of a deceased mambo, or Vodou priestess, into a kalabasa squash (seen floating in a bowl in the center). Afterward, they will release the spirit at a nearby road junction. via

To read more on the project, go to the project website HERE

To view the feature on National Geographic, click HERE

Irish Funeral Traditions: The Wake

The Irish are famous for many things like their St. Patrick’s Day celebrations, love of Guiness beer, and we can’t forget the accent! With St. Patrick’s Day just around the corner, we thought we’d explore Irish funeral traditions.

The Wake

A wake used to be a very lively event, and for some it still is. However, in recent years there has been a shift to making it a more somber event. In years past, the wake would be held in a house. The deceased would be laid down to rest, while stories were shared, laughs filled the air, and drinks were all around! The body is not to be left alone at any time. A person, usually a woman, sits nearby at all times.

Some traditions include stopping all the clocks in the house at the time of death. Some believe this is an effort to help the dead pass on, when they realize time isn’t passing. Others believe this was an effort to help the doctor know when to declare an exact time of death when he arrived.

Anther tradition includes turning all mirrors and pictures. It was said that a soul could get trapped in a reflective surface. Later they would haunt the home. While this may sound hokey, this stemmed from a time when there was an unhealthy interest in death. (Think Victorian era.)

Another common tradition at the wake would be to have every male caller take at least one puff from a pipe to lift evil spirits from the body. Some would place the pipe next to the deceased, even on their chests!

Want to read more about the Irish wake? Click HERE OR HERE

Tips for Writing an Epitaph

When it comes to writing the epitaph, the challenge posed can be an emotional one. However, it can also be an opportunity to give the world a small window into the importance of the life lost. The process can actually aide in the grieving process, however bittersweet the experience may be. Below are some tips on how to write an epitaph.

1.  Keep it Short and Sweet
2.  Think of What the Deceased Would Write for Themselves
3.  Describe What Makes up their Essence
4.  Decide on Who is Speaking
5.  Convey a Strong Feeling

Keep it Short and Sweet:

Many epitaphs are one to two lines in length. Some feel limited by the space restrictions, but for others it can be beneficial. The best way to look at it is quality over quantity. Keeping your epitaph concise keeps the significant and meaningful words to speak volumes instead of extra words “fluffing” the headstone.

Think of What the Deceased Would Write for Themselves:

Throughout this process, have you thought about what you would write for your personal epitaph? Try to put yourself in the shoes of the deceased. What would they write about themselves? What aspects of their life would they have wanted highlighted and displayed for the world for years to come?

Describe What Makes up their Essence:

Many use the relationships of the deceased such as, “Daughter, Mother, and Friend.” Perhaps their occupation is the best descriptor (or a combination), “Brother and Soldier.” It may be helpful to describe key aspects of their personality. For example, “A kindred spirit that loved you before she knew you.” Think of what makes them…them. Was it the way they interacted or served others? Was it a specific quote they lived by? Was it their dedication to a cause? What made them tick?

Decide on Who is Speaking:

An epitaph can be written from the viewpoint of the deceased or it can be written from an unknown third party. “Bob was strong until the bitter end” vs. “My loved ones will always be loved by me.”

Convey a Strong Feeling:

An epitaph can take on a melancholic tone or it can be celebratory! The message can be tragic or it can emphasize the love surrounding their life. Deciding on the feeling you want to elicit behind the epitaph will help guide you in your message.

An epitaph is a hard task that brings many memories to the surface. Some memories fill your soul with light, while others may bring a shadow to your heart. Writing an epitaph is process, and we hope these tips are helpful to this process.

Online Funeral Planning - Should Funeral Homes Have To Post Prices Online?

 

Prices for the same funeral services in the same city can be double or triple those of a nearby funeral home. With that being the case, it is obviously in someone's best interest to comparison shop funeral homes to find the best price. But is that really what a loved one going through a difficult time wants to be doing?

Today almost everything can be purchased online, our bills, clothes, pets, the list is endless really. E-commerce appears to be the way of the future. However when the Funeral Consumers surveyed funeral home prices and disclosures in ten areas of the country, tracking down prices for 15 funeral homes in each area, including at least one part of a funeral home chain; the Alliance found 16% of the 150 funeral homes failed to disclose prices on a website, in response to an email or in response to a phone call. Not only that but Steve Brobeck, executive director of the Consumer Federation of America, found that in the same city there is a huge range in prices for essentially the same thing. Prices for the same funeral services within individual areas almost always varied by at least 100 percent and often varied by more than 200 percent. Direct cremation charges ranged from $455 to $3,390 in Seattle. Immediate burial charges ranged from $1,195 to $5,200 in Atlanta. And full-service funerals ranged in the District of Columbia ranged from $3,370 to $13,800.

“As an advocate who’s researched prices for consumer services for decades, I was stunned by the price differences. The huge price ranges for identical funeral services within individual areas indicate that these markets lack effective competition,” said CFA Executive Director Stephen Brobeck in a statement. “The lack of price competition is unfortunate given the relatively high cost of funeral services and the reluctance of many bereaved consumers to comparison shop for these services.”

Because of these wide gaps in price, thirty-one years after the Federal Trade Commission’s Funeral Rule intended to make funeral home pricing more transparent became law, consumer advocates are calling on the FTC to require funeral homes to post prices online.

The CFA found just 25 percent of funeral homes post prices on the Internet, largely because they don’t have to. "Federal law only requires funeral homes to provide prices by telephone or mail—antiquated relics, the CFA says, of 1980’s rulemaking." 

Price transparency aside, with a younger more tech savvy generation up next, wouldn't it make more sense to have some kind of online funeral planning available anyways? With the baby boomers coming up as the next senior population, the funeral industry is going to be hit with a lot more business, and it will undoubtedly shake things up for the old ways things have typically been done. What is the future for the funeral industry? I can't say but change seems to be imminent!

Families choose home funerals for their loved ones...

Sisters Rebecca, left, and Lacy Denboer spend a moment with their mother LuAnn Denboer at her casket during a home funeral.

Read more here: http://www.star-telegram.com/news/local/community/fort-worth/article38772249.html#storylink=cpy

Article originally appeared on Star Telegram

It had been a rough five years for Robert Denboer, who mourned the deaths of his mother, father, mother-in-law and several close friends in quick succession.

Then, in June, the cancer his wife had fought to a stalemate years ago returned vengefully. He knew he would be planning another funeral.

One day Denboer wandered onto a YouTube video of two women discussing home funerals — services conducted for loved ones, usually unembalmed, right in the living room or other part of the house.

“I got two impressions out of it,” said Denboer, 60, of Fort Worth. “One, that it was morose, even kind of gross, just too strange. But the other impression I got was that the two ladies talking about it were very sincere and felt it was the only way to fully experience that their loved one was gone and to be reconciled with that.”

He discussed having a home funeral with his wife, LuAnn, who liked the idea but didn’t want their adult daughters to be uncomfortable with it.

Rebecca and Lacy Denboer, who live at the family home, hesitated at first.

“It seemed a very foreign idea,” said Rebecca, 30. “My initial reaction was, ‘Is this going to be respectful enough?’ ”

Home funerals are nothing new. In the pioneer days, families took care of their dead on their own. Funeral homes didn’t start springing up until embalming procedures were refined and became popular during the Civil War.

Home funerals are legal in all states, although 10 of them require the involvement of a licensed funeral director for some services.

Read more here: http://www.star-telegram.com/news/local/community/fort-worth/article38772249.html#storylink=cpy

Texas is not among those 10 states, although critics say some funeral directors don’t always make that clear to their grieving customers.

Bonnie Smith of Arlington, a nurse who had a home funeral for her husband in April, complains that many funeral directors push expensive, unnecessary services on families who may too be shellshocked with grief to make good decisions.

“Especially people who go into debt to pay for this and they don’t have the money. That’s terrible,” Smith said. “They don’t know what they’re getting into.”

Michael Land, past president of the 125-year-old Texas Funeral Directors Association, said the vast majority of funeral directors have the best interests of the families at heart. For those needing more incentive, the U.S. Trade Commission’s “Funeral Rule” has strict requirements for openness and fairness.

“When we sit down with a family, we have to disclose certain things — like embalming is not required by law and not all cemeteries require an outer burial container,” Land said. And they must go over a detailed price list with the family. “But when a family comes in to make arrangements, we don’t just sit down and say, ‘You know you can do this yourself.’ ”

19,391 Number of funeral homes in the U.S. in 2015, down from 21,528 in 2004, according to the National Directory of Morticians
 

People like Elva Roy are working to spread the word that there are alternatives to full-service traditional funerals, also including green burials, in which all materials are completely biodegradable. Roy says more and more people are learning about their choices — certainly those in the audiences she speaks to as a board member of the advocacy group Funeral Consumers Alliance.

“We as Americans have been conditioned to fear death. It’s a taboo subject because we’re in denial that one day we’re going to die,” said Roy, who helped the Denboer family with their in-home service. “So it’s hard to even get a conversation going with family members.”

Home funerals are clearly less expensive than traditional funerals, which on average cost about $10,000 in the U.S., including a standard casket and cemetery vault, said Land, who has been director of Forest Ridge Funeral Home in Hurst since it was founded in 1997.

Documenting your Funeral with Videography

Documenting important events has been something we do for decades, and over the last several years videography for weddings, births, and even just family outings has become common place. But what about videography for your funeral? We have heard about live streaming your funeral, but actually making a video to remember the day and watch later?  

Professionally filming your funeral has become very popular in New Zealand, and videographer/editor Juliet Campbell makes a great point that it is a way for family and friends who live overseas or who can't attend to be able to see the funeral, commenting that they sends "heaps of DVDS overseas." Campbell brings up the fact that a lot of times family is going through such a hard time it can be hard for them to remember everything from the day, and having it documented in this way provides them the opportunity to go back if they want, adding that the video also acts as an archive for families for who was in attendance.

With funerals making a shift towards "celebrations of life" I guess it would make sense to document such an event, especially since they tend to be a family reunion of sorts. There is a joke in the pre-need funeral business that people spend so much money on a wedding when so many marriages aren't a guarantee. However, when the one guarantee in life is that you will one day pass, people don't want to spend money on their funerals.

Campbell reiterates that filming a funeral isn't a morbid thing, but like watching a biography of the persons life. In New Zealand, professional filming of your funeral has become a service offered by many funeral homes. Read more HERE.

With the younger generation documenting everything from what they had for lunch, to what they are wearing for the day, maybe this isn't such a weird idea after all. Funeral homes should take note of this new line of business that could prove to become common place in the funeral industry very soon! 

Holographic Eulogies Will Allow You to Speak at Your Own Funeral

Who will attend your funeral? 

This has been a question posed by society for hundreds of years as a way for us to reflect on our lives, our influence, and our purpose. I am sure given the opportunity we would all like to be a fly on the wall at our own funeral. But with new advances in technology, have you ever thought that in a small way, you could be? And I am not talking about the fact that your body will be present, but what if you could actually have a voice, a real presence? Carl Minardo and his partner believe they have come up with the answer.

They were inspired by the infamous film, Star Wars. They thought, what if you could do a hologram, but in a mausoleum? They took their idea and started a company called AIM (Artistry In Motion) Holographics, where they hope to change the future of funerals by giving people the ability to prerecord their own eulogy with 3D holographic technology. “It gives you an opportunity to talk to the people who are important in your life and, really, let them know how much they meant to you,” Carl explains. 

The website explains further, "Have you ever wished you had some tangible memory of a passed loved one? Yearned to see your parents or grandparents one more time? To hear their voice, see their smile, listen to their stories? This is what drives AIM. We want you to create your life’s legacy so your grandchildren, great grandchildren and beyond will remember who you are, your family’s timeless values and what family means to you. Our company makes those emotion, memories, and messages eternally available."

Carl says the eulogy or any other message or video is recorded in a studio and featured on projectors both small and large. “It’s as realistic as you can get without it being you. Other than you coming up and being here, this is the closest it’s going to be in 3-dimension,” he said.

With so many people opting for cremations today, Minardo sees this as an opportunity to work with funeral homes to help them maintain some revenue, and to tap into the 76-million baby boomers driving the funeral business.

I will say, I think it would be a nice surprise to make an "appearance" at my own funeral and say a few words to all my friends and loved ones! So what do you think? Would you utilize this high-tech way to keep your legacy alive?